August 27th, 2006


But she thinks only of him...

Hey guys!

Me & Claire have a had two great musical evenings in a row! Yesterday, we worked on a new version of Run With Me, which let me do keyboard work for the first time ^_^. While we're still limited to 4 tracks, it's kinda difficult, but we're getting a 16 track digital studio in a month or two, which will allow us to indulge :) Tonight, we recorded "the new one", as it had been known for the last couple of days. It started with a random, yet nice chord sequence. Claire asked me to add a 'bass' part to the rhythm using the bottom E string. Then, things starting getting funky! An 8 beat shuffle from the drum machine helped us to record the guitar, and then the best bit happened. I tried to sing Claire the melody, but she already knew it ^_^. Yup, the same melody popped into both of our heads :) Always good when that happens. We've got a couple of verses of lyrics already written, and I've also composed the chorus chords. They're pretty! This time, though, I don't think that there's going to be any lead guitar. I want to put my piano skills into action ^^. I know roughly how the piano part goes, and I'm a lot better at picking out a tune on a piano than I am with a guitar, which is kinda funny when you think about it, what with me being a guitarist and all ;)
Basically, it's a 30s-America-film-noir-jazz-blues song :) And it even has a title, but I'm keeping it quiet for now. But I think this one has a lot of promise. Seriously.

Right. Sorry for that large, disconnected paragraph, but I'm feeling a little weird right now, and I don't mean just tonight. It's all related to what happened to me earlier this year. I've been trying so hard to move on, but there's something that keeps pulling me back. Fear? Love? I don't know why, but I'd give almost anything to go back a few months and make things right. I know a lot more now, and I know that I screwed up. I didn't communicate properly, I didn't make my feelings known well enough. We should have talked more. But that's in the past now. Even as I tried to move on, I secretly hoped for the future to give me another chance. But now I know that it isn't to be. I want to move on, but how can I when my heart is still half-stuck in the past? I can see that this is becoming one of my demons.

Let me clarify. My other demon is a memory. A memory of something I did, something stupid and hurtful that I really shouldn't have done. I thought I was being so clever, yet all I did was spoil it for everyone. I realised my stupidity and was forgiven with the advice to "not wear a hair-shirt about it." I've never managed to do that, though. When I dwell on it for too long, and by that, I mean, at all, my mind sinks to a dark place filled with dark thoughts. I cannot escape without serious effort, and it can haunt me for hours after my escape. Denial is the only cure. If I don't think about it, then it didn't happen, and I can move on.

So how does this relate to my current problem? Well, my demon is a person this time, not a memory... She's one of my "best" friends. Escape is impossible, thanks to a stupid promise. I want to still be friends with her, but if I do, then my mind will swing from hating her to loving her, from being happy to hating myself. I mean, damn it. This just isn't fair. I mean, I don't give out my feelings lightly and I can't lie. If I say "I love you", then I mean it. If I say "I want to move on", then I also mean it. But my tell-tale heart makes a liar of me. I was doing fine until I talked to her again, then I was plunged back into the depths of confusion, despite feeling fine for a couple of hours after chatting. I even told her in which direction my heart was being drawn. I want to free myself from these old feelings of mine, and I've been trying so hard. And just when I think I'm getting somewhere, bang. It really doesn't help that I can't imagine anyone ever returning my feelings or reaching out to me ever again. I mean, why would they? How could anyone love me? Why would they?

Ok, emo rant over, thanks to the distraction of slashdot ^_^.
Sorry about all that, it's just that I've been feeling kinda broken up lately.