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14 October 2009 @ 11:52 pm
Another teatime, another day older  
Well, I'm now 23.

I've had an awesome birthday. More of a birthweek, really. My beloved couldn't be with me today, so we had an extended weekend during which I received a present every day :) She also made me a cake!

I then spent yesterday and today at home with my family. Another cake!

I have received some lovely presents, too. Holly and my parents bought me some Star Wars Lego - Echo Base from Holly and the Midi-size Millennium Falcon and a pack of Assassin Droids from my parents. I also received games (Beautiful Katamari and Blue Dragon from Holly) and a DVD (Disney's Robin Hood from my parents). The other thing that particularly springs to mind was a copy of The Snow Goose from my parents :)

Finally, Claire bought me a set of metal (possible not metal?) shelves for my flat. Storage space! I will soon have more of it!

All in all a very good day. Shame my flat is so damn cold now :S
...Autumn...
 
 
Current Location: My flat
I'm Feeling: happyhappy
 
 
 
mako_energymako_energy on October 14th, 2009 11:04 pm (UTC)
Happy birthday! And yeah, that does sound like an awesome week!
Cosmic Flamecosmicflame on October 15th, 2009 06:12 pm (UTC)
Thank you! It was :)
How's life? You haven't updated for a while!
Ellescattermoon on October 15th, 2009 11:52 am (UTC)
Happy (belated) birthday! And it certainly sounds as if it was...
Cosmic Flamecosmicflame on October 15th, 2009 06:13 pm (UTC)
Thank you :) It was.
Ellescattermoon on October 15th, 2009 02:32 pm (UTC)
for the sake of being honest
Also, yes, I am insanely jealous, but I am also aware that I have no right to be.
Cosmic Flamecosmicflame on October 15th, 2009 06:19 pm (UTC)
Re: for the sake of being honest
I'm not trying to make you jealous. You have your girlfriend; I have mine. The fact that you once dated Holly doesn't matter. It's the past - ancient history.
You're right, though. You have no right to be jealous. After what you did to Holly... but you already know that.
Both me and Holly would really rather that you didn't try to talk to her. Hearing from you is triggering. It takes her back to how awful she was feeling earlier this year. Neither of us need that. Focus on the relationship you have now, not the one that ended.
Ellescattermoon on October 15th, 2009 06:32 pm (UTC)
Re: for the sake of being honest
I didn't say you were, and I don't believe you were, really. I make myself jealous, it's a bad habit of mine.

I hate myself for that so much, and would go back and change things if I could. I'm sure you know that, and I keep torturing myself over it. I wish I could have things back, but heh, wishes...

This relationship I have now is nascent, and very long-distance. It does not prevent the hurt I feel from my previous relationship, which was born out of a close friendship that begun 4 years ago...and now Holly and I barely speak. It does hurt, and I can only guess how long it will be before the pain goes, but I'm not going to get over it fully, especially with the knowledge that I caused it in my confusion and stupidity.

I still believe her parting words that no-one would love me as much as she did, you know? I find it hard to envision that anyone can, especially after the various messes I've had elsewhere this year. The long-distance of my current relationships scares me to be honest - when we cannot spend time together, to what extent is it a relationship? As far as I can now tell, I've just got to take what I can get and be happy with it. I had a chance and I blew it, big time.

Going back to the beginning, I am jealous, sure I am. She did the 'present a day' thing with me, which is one of the things that triggered my response. But to be jealous is not to hate. I had my doubts about whether a relationship with you two could work, and the doubts have been proven wrong, which is a relief. I want her to be happy after all, and you can offer her more anymore, never mind the whole fact you'd not have hurt her like I did, something I deeply regret now. It hurts.

But we can't change the past, can we?
Cosmic Flamecosmicflame on October 15th, 2009 09:09 pm (UTC)
Re: for the sake of being honest
You made your bed and now you must lie in it. Wishing isn't going to change anything.

Friendships aren't all forever. Few things do last forever, in fact.
You weren't the only one who was close friends with Holly. After you and her got together I stopped talking to her. In fact, I pushed her away. I was hurt and confused, but I still loved her. Carry on being friends with her would have been a downright rude thing to do, as I would have wanted her to leave you and go out with me instead. The fact that you're telling me here that you wish you were going out with my girlfriend could very well be considered downright rude, in fact... She's mine, she loves me and she wishes that she'd been going out with me for four years and never had anything to do with you. There's nothing you can do to get her back. All you'll achieve is hurting her and annoying me.

Anyway, that aside, what exactly do you want? To go back to being friends with her? For her to come running whenever you have a problem? Plenty of cuddles and evenings spent together? Kisses when you want them, when they're convenient for you? I'm afraid that there's no place left in her life for you. The role of "most important person" is taken and will remain that way. She certainly doesn't want or need any reminders around of the mistakes she's made!!
Ellescattermoon on October 15th, 2009 09:16 pm (UTC)
Re: for the sake of being honest
"she wishes that she'd been going out with me for four years and never had anything to do with you"

I would rather hear that from her lips, actually.

Otherwise...you're being rather defensive. I've just been honest, I had no other agenda in saying what I did.

You were not as close to Holly as I was. That has changed now, of course, but pretending otherwise *is* pretense.

To answer that question: in fantasyland, I'd like things to go back to how they had been before I messed things up. More realistically, I'd have liked to re-establish contact as friends.
Cosmic Flamecosmicflame on October 15th, 2009 09:40 pm (UTC)
Re: for the sake of being honest
I can arrange that if that's what it'll take for you to leave her alone.

Agenda or not, I don't want to hear another word from you about how you want to be going out with my girlfriend. It's rude and unbecoming. Not to mention extremely annoying!

You might have spent more time with her but quantity is not quality. As neither of us observed the other spending time alone with Holly only she can be the judge of which of us was closer to her.

So that's what you want. Well, you can't have either of those things. Tough luck.
Ellescattermoon on October 15th, 2009 09:45 pm (UTC)
Re: for the sake of being honest
Then arrange it. I will respect her wishes if they come from her.

"You might have spent more time with her but quantity is not quality. As neither of us observed the other spending time alone with Holly only she can be the judge of which of us was closer to her."

I neither stated that it was, nor that one of us is/was closer than the other. I merely stated that I had been closer to her at the time, say early 2008 as an example. I'm not really interested in 'who has been closer' or anything of the sort. Different relationships are and shall remain different relationships.

"Well, you can't have either of those things. Tough luck."

I know. That was the whole point of what I said. Are you getting pleasure out of rubbing it in?
Cosmic Flamecosmicflame on October 15th, 2009 09:58 pm (UTC)
Re: for the sake of being honest
I think she's asleep now, but I shall arrange it. See that you do respect her wishes this time.

"You were not as close to Holly as I was. That has changed now, of course, but pretending otherwise *is* pretense."

"I merely stated that I had been closer to her at the time, say early 2008"

You did no such thing. You said one thing then attempted to change the meaning of what you said after I had replied. If you are not interested in "who has been closer" THEN WHY BRING IT UP???

Yes, I am getting pleasure in rubbing it in. I have a sadistic streak and show no mercy to the ones who hurt me or the ones I love. Something wrong with that? You came here onto my journal to tell me that you're jealous of my relationship. What were you expecting?
Ellescattermoon on October 15th, 2009 10:03 pm (UTC)
Re: for the sake of being honest
I will, but certainly not for your sake.

Oh dear, caps lock. I know what I said, and I never changed any meaning. I believe you misread. The key word here is 'were', and what do you think 'that has changed now, of course' meant? I am guilty of many things but this is not one of them.

I should not have said what I did to you in the first place, true, but I tend to be more open than I should be. That is something I am guilty of.
Cosmic Flamecosmicflame on October 16th, 2009 12:04 am (UTC)
Re: for the sake of being honest
I have not been asking you to do any of this for my sake. Right from the start it's been all about Holly.

We both know what you said and we both know that you're a weasel.

You say or do something, you suffer the consequences. Action and reaction. It's a bit of a theme tonight, isn't it?
Ellescattermoon on October 16th, 2009 12:08 am (UTC)
Re: for the sake of being honest
You misread me, I am not being a weasel here. But then, I know what you think of me anyhow, so I'm unsurprised you have that opinion.

Suffering is something that has been a theme of today, for me. I shall continue to suffer as well, it'll be a long time before I get over this. You really don't have to remind me of it.
Cosmic Flamecosmicflame on October 16th, 2009 07:21 am (UTC)
Re: for the sake of being honest
Right, yep, keep on suffering.
Cosmic Flamecosmicflame on October 15th, 2009 09:14 pm (UTC)
Re: for the sake of being honest
Oh, and you're right - no one ever will love you as much as Holly did. That's because she's the most loving person in the world. She will happily give and give and give and give until she has nothing left. Then she will give some more. She'll also take all the nonsense that you throw at her up to a point. After that point, you've lost it all.

Yup, I'd say you blew it majorly. Still, I don't care. She's where she belongs, now - by my side.
Ellescattermoon on October 15th, 2009 09:16 pm (UTC)
Re: for the sake of being honest
Now you *are* seeking to hurt me.
Cosmic Flamecosmicflame on October 15th, 2009 09:33 pm (UTC)
Re: for the sake of being honest
Yes, I am. I've told you several times not to talk to my girlfriend but you just can't keep away. I've told you that talking to her is triggering bad memories but you carry on. You then send me messages saying basically "I want to be going out with your girlfriend."

So, yep. I want to hurt you.
Be glad that this is only over the Internet and that you'll likely never meet me in person again.
Ellescattermoon on October 15th, 2009 09:38 pm (UTC)
Re: for the sake of being honest
That's mostly because she never said the same to me, which of course would leave me questioning your words. That time in August you told me that she didn't want to hear from me, she then texted me a little while after to ask why I hadn't texted her in a while. Naturally, that left me in doubts as to the validity of your words. If she never wants to talk to me, why does she leave me brief messages on occasion? No, I would rather hear that from her, and not through a biased proxy, although I have no doubt that you at least want me to stay away.

And is that a threat? What would you propose doing?
Cosmic Flamecosmicflame on October 15th, 2009 09:46 pm (UTC)
Re: for the sake of being honest
She's too nice for her own good, that's what.

It's not a threat. I don't go in for threats. I don't know what I would do in person, but I would be very angry and you would suffer. That is not a threat - it is a promise.
Ellescattermoon on October 15th, 2009 09:50 pm (UTC)
Re: for the sake of being honest
I know she is. But still, I need to know.

Well then, yes, that's a threat, and don't use clichés to pretend otherwise. I doubt you could make me suffer more than I make myself suffer, anyhow.
Cosmic Flamecosmicflame on October 15th, 2009 10:01 pm (UTC)
Re: for the sake of being honest
Fine then. It's a threat.

"I doubt you could make me suffer more than I make myself suffer, anyhow."

EMO MARTYR BAWWWWWWWW :'(

Maybe I could break all your fingers so you can't post your woes on LJ and twatter anymore. Oh wait, voice posting. Also, illegal :(
Ellescattermoon on October 15th, 2009 10:06 pm (UTC)
Re: for the sake of being honest
Indeed.

Illegal, yes. Don't see how it would particularly help things either. And what, you read my twitter? I didn't think you cared about me anywhere near enough for that.

By the by, someone who sang along to Linkin Park in despair when he found out H and I were going out way back when has no right to call me emo.
Cosmic Flamecosmicflame on October 16th, 2009 12:09 am (UTC)
Re: for the sake of being honest
It would be extremely satisfying.

I've seen your Twitter in the past. Doesn't meant that I read it now, only that I know of it's existence.

There's a big difference between "the girl I love has lied to me and betrayed me" and "I hurt my girlfriend really badly, we broke up, she nearly killed herself, I left her life in ruins and also screwed up her exams big time, she moved on and started to heal and now half a year later I feel bad about what I've done and want sympathy and pity" and you know it. I had a good reason to be emo back then. You, however, have no reason to be emo. So fuck off.
Ellescattermoon on October 16th, 2009 12:13 am (UTC)
Re: for the sake of being honest
I was wondering which of us would say those two words first.

I deserve to suffer for what I did. I am and I shall. Am I asking for your sympathy and pity? I never expected that from you anyway, and I don't believe I deserve it.
Cosmic Flamecosmicflame on October 16th, 2009 07:19 am (UTC)
Re: for the sake of being honest
There, you can have a little bit of satisfaction.

Yes, you do deserve to suffer. Now get over yourself.
Sarahgoodsarah on October 16th, 2009 11:11 pm (UTC)
Happy birthday! Good work with two cakes...
Cosmic Flame: Eclipsecosmicflame on October 19th, 2009 07:50 am (UTC)
Thank you!
I still have half a cake left... :)